


A Fine Example of Undersea Lapidary

by Fleur Rochard (fleurrochard), somnolentblue



Series: Chronicles of Roaring Briar [3]
Category: Fairy Tales & Related Fandoms
Genre: Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Donor Relations, Epistolary, Exasperated Older Sisters, Gen, Museums, Podfic, Podfic Length: 0-10 Minutes, Siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-03 10:46:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5287739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleurrochard/pseuds/Fleur%20Rochard, https://archiveofourown.org/users/somnolentblue/pseuds/somnolentblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What <em>are</em> they teaching in the Fiefdom Educating Adventurers of Tomorrow these days?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Fine Example of Undersea Lapidary

**Length:** 08:24 min  
**Download:** [MP3](http://fleur.parakaproductions.com/Podfic/Misc/A%20Fine%20Example%20of%20Undersea%20Lapidary.mp3) (7.69 MB)  
Please right click and "Save As".

(delivered by a nymph-stage ouroboros)

Thundering Dawn  
Professional Adventurer  
Draconic Cooperative Eglantine

Dear Thundering Dawn,

I would like to thank you for your generous contribution to the Museum of the Kingdoms. I know that necklaces infused with mermaids' blood are only found in the Kingdom of the Krakon, and I laud your zeal for exploring new terrain, that led you so far afield; your cunning mind, that allowed you to outthink the Guardian of the Chthonic Jewels*; and your unsurpassed beneficence, that you gave such a treasure to the Museum of the Kingdoms.

*translation of the Undersea term approximate, of course, but what else can one do with such a felicitous phrase as whish/fjowef blurble/poie bubble/iiiiiiii whish/jepfjia other than approximate?

The necklace is the first example of Undersea lapidary that we hold; indeed, it is the first such example that I've seen in a century! I'm currently planning an exhibit and tour on the topic of inter-realm relations, and I'm thrilled to incorporate it. Many schoolchildren, donors, and other museum guests will gaze upon the necklace. They are sure to marvel at the symbolism, components, workmanship, and, of course, daring acquisition of the piece. Truly, it is fraught with meaning, and its richness will not go unexplored or unshared.

We will, of course, acknowledge the necklace in all appropriate channels. Unfortunately, we are legally bound to refrain from appraisals, so the mathematics of the calculations remain in your hands. Should you need any paperwork, we will provide it; simply contact the S.A. Tremayne, Outreach Department, Museum of the Kingdoms. Any appropriate messenger will be received and acknowledged, but, unofficially, I must advise you that subterranean messengers often find the Outreach Department's aeries disquieting.

I trust that you will not find it inappropriate if I express my hope that this moment marks the beginning of a fruitful partnership as you embark on your path as an Adventurer.

Sincerely,  
Roaring Briar, Doctor of Alchemy  
Elevated Historical Educator and Liaison to Empyrean, Magical, and Undersea Reptilian Subjects  
Museum of the Kingdoms

 

(enclosure)

Baby sister —

A merblood necklace? Really? Mother ought to ground you for the next forty years for this asinine stunt. What was it, a bet? I hope whatever bottle of Harpy Tears you won from J. is worth this disaster. 

Our cursebreakers have been working overtime since the box arrived. This year's intern opened it without proper precautions, so, in addition to the annoyance of the department's insurance going up, there's a rather unfortunate aquarium holding the former intern in the corner. They think they retrieved all of the relevant parts, but it is rather hard to tell when a body dissolves into glowing, malodorous goo. Additionally, the department is now short a staff member, so their budget is going into the negative due aforementioned overtime. 

I leave it to you to decide the appropriate recompense. You will, of course, fill out the related liability forms out in quadruplicate, if not octuplicate. Honestly, what are they teaching you at the Fiefdom Educating Adventures of Tomorrow? They used to have a quite respectable apprenticeship program — have these new-fangled notions of experiential learning usurped the mandatory seven years of pounding basic courtesies, legalities, and expendencies into the proto-Adventurer's head? You must be cognizant of all of the nuances and potential ramifications of the situation before you instigate anything; this is part of proper planning, and I know you were subject to our Mothers' lectures about this. 

But yes, I did rather enjoy telling the Kraken emissary, who was, as you might imagine, in high dudgeon, squirting and hissing everywhere in a most uncouth fashion, to slime back down to the depths and file a proper registration of property transfer via Adventurer, including all of the details of the transaction. I do look forward to reading about your exploit, baby sister, and I anticipate confirmation that your employment of the Undersea dialects did not reflect poorly on my tutoring abilities. 

I trust that I was correct to do so and that our lawyers will find that the Accords protocols for property transfer were followed. I would be most displeased to plan this exhibit for a third time. Additionally, the ensuing inter-realm Incident would undoubtedly affect our visitor statistics.

To answer the question you're undoubtedly trying to convince yourself to ask: the tests to identify the merblood have, thus far, been inconclusive. We don't know that it's not Oceania's necklace, but we don't know that it is, either. The manifestation of the curse is suggestive — one could certainly interpret glowing, malodorous goo as the primordial ooze mentioned in the archives — but not conclusive. One does not like to speculate ahead of evidence, and making a ruling either way would be premature. I will keep you apprised about our progress towards identification.

To answer the other question you're undoubtedly trying to convince yourself to ask: no, I will not help you with your tax paperwork. You have to learn sometime. 

All due affection to you, baby sister, and I look forward to seeing you on my next holiday.

With love,  
Roaring Briar


End file.
